I have shifted

This is just to say,

*Under reno!!

Forgive the piling sosorrysorrythankyou

Currently @ randomranters86532bkk

cheers,

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Sad Mad Pad

I asked a friend of mine I recently caught up with, if she had bad periods…

“I actually think for me, its Pre, During and Post”..

LOL!!

It really was awesome meeting up with her again.

I bumped into her JEM and she was carrying huge bunch of flowers with her husband. 

I was in awe, “so sweet! He still gives you flowers?!”

“it’s from Cai Ling.”

…convo…

“wait,,,, is it your birthday?!!!!”

Awkward.. 

But Good! We made a date, caught up. But not enough. We will do it again.

She still had my old twitter pic from like 2011 ias my contact pic…. I forgot to ask her to wa it to me cos its a good pic:)

Cliches are so cliche right, like,make hay while the sun shines, or those who matter dont mind, those who mind… 

Friends are like stars…

A LOT OF THE TIME I wish to be an island, Kat used to call it [don’t], she said to me,  “go(ing) under the radar”.

But now I know, and truly believe this:

The people who have known us, and Know us, the fucked up us, and are still, well, Friends, are pretty damn good to keep.

Well let the geek in the pink take a stab at it

If you like the way I’m thinkin’ baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I’m fat full ‘a rhymes
Pass me the mic and I’m a grab at it a
Isn’t it delicious crazy way that I’m kissin’
Cause baby listen to this don’t want to miss it while it’s hittin’
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don’t ever quit so soon I’m gonna let you win but see

I don’t care what you might think about me
You can vibe without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
Baby I could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn’t be a let down
But sugar don’t forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don’t judge me by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

I’m the geek in the pink pink pink
I’m the geek in the pink yeah

General Musings

Hi.

Was thinking of posting an article on where to find poke stop intersections where one can sit in aircon, with toilets and amenities… Haha but well i guess i cant really be bothered.. Although that would probably boost my site traffic haha!

Anyway, it has been a while since I have posted… Been swept away by a whirlwind…

Thank goodness I havent deviated too low or too high. I know this is cliche, but the one thing that sustained me was God. In particular, praying.

Let me disclaim, it is not that I am some super Christian that I mention God… In fact it is because of my failings and my ugliness that I choose Jesus, and The God who is full of Mercy, the Prince of Peace and the provider of Grace.

Actually, it was after my return from Sydney that I first truly sought Him with all my heart. It was in desperation… My psychosis was coming on, my mind was a blur of paranoid, delusional thoughts. And underscored by an immense sense of shame and guilt for my lifestyle.

Well i wont delve that much but He is my only Source, and I keep failing Him, but coming back with humility brings the relief of His embrace.

Anyway, thanks for reading.. Just like to share a verse from a Psalm I been meditating on:

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Psalms 43:5

The substance of things

(hoped for)

many men do many things

Attempting, Slaving, Failing, try

again, Sift through broken patterns in your head

But if you think about it,

They are only angles of things you made
Up to you, Up to me

many dots strung together

to be seen as lines

They form roads and stop signs to a make believe paradise,

Every man or woman commits

(In their head)
I am no sage,

But I have seen them, seeing me

In all my made up fear

Anxiety.

But time and again I realise

All I see are from mine eyes

Attempting, Slaving, Failing to see through

Idealised victories in Love and

War, wars – fought by any given dogma that pervades the spirit

Is it really worth all the fighting?
Fall asleep crying, with premonitions of past sorrow

Cruel You are, O Merciful one, that after each night of striving, failing, clambouring toward paradise,

we will Still wake up tomorrow

To-day,

walk out what is unwritten

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Love is Letting Go..

First let me disclaim that I do not intend to “hide behind” my illness/symptoms or give myself excuses for my flaws. But I guess I can also give myself the kindness that no human on earth is perfect. And one of my most GLARING flaws is with the social realm.

I fear groups and gatherings… I think a lot of people who have been “diagnosed” can probably relate… At first Chinese New Year and Christmas were Really challenging. I can’t remember the number of years I didn’t go for those gatherings. But then, totally unexpectedly, my extended family has become more accepting. Perhaps they too experience similar, predisposed – biological and nurtured – challenges.

I am SO grateful the first thing they ask is no longer “When is your turn, AH? ” or “WAH you put on/ lost so much weight!” Losing weight can become horribly scary when you are a yo-yo and have gone up and down >15 kg, 4 times in 30 years.

I guess when your locus of control (your self-esteem and need for validation) is based on the outside —-> and you are a Self-Obsessed Control freak (Yes, Hi.)… You are in for what is Essentially Social Suicide.

If self-control is not exercised, and pride is not addressed–  One either hides from the world.. Drowning in despair/delusion, or lives in a Constant flux between intense fear and a feeling of an intense injustice.

I am now, Grateful for my mom’s family. I realized we were not so different. And they are nice, without treating me as “different”. My intense fear of going to grandma’s house has eased gradually. Many of them individually also have been and are a source of strength, and support over the years. Though I resented some of it, very wrongly at first.

But since it is Mother’s day, I want to focus on my Mom today. So here’s it is:

From the middle of last year to the start of this year, I really resented my mother. Although acting out of love and anxiety for me, I felt my freedom, autonomy and dignity were taken away.

Let me give you an example. She comes into my room at will, while the door is closed and I am dressing up. I am in the midst of it and she says: “This bra is too tight! Your breasts are spilling out! Wear the black one, LAH…” ok.. sorry TMI BUTrrrreally ARGJHGHGHLKJSDFHsdahf ;kjsdhlkaw]!@#$%#  I am 30 and she wants to help me choose my underwear. Srsly???..zzzZZZZZZZZZzzzz

Also, although I have already messaged her that I am coming back after dinner. She starts messaging me at 4 to ask again if I am having dinner, then starts to call me from 8:30pm to ask what time I am coming home. Stella said it rightly, “I hear the irritation in your voice. Remember…”

But my mom. Mom, has been through it. Mom, was the one who came to the hospital every single day during the two weeks I was first hospitalized at the Institute of Mental Health for psychosis symptoms. Mom lost so much weight. She took the bus every day, the one and a half hour journey. I was in a daze those days. But I could remember her neck growing bonier and bonier. Her face looking more and more tired.

Am I so blind that I did not realize that she is the strongest person in this family? Mom knows! She knew it all. She was the one who has been feeding on depression, bipolar, gratitude, optimism, she got did the DBT workbook with be when I was thought to be BPD. Then she went through WRAP with Caregivers Alliance, and made me go for it now.

The most bittersweet memory I have, truly, is a muted one. It was the only depression that I count as a True, Noonday Demon. Not leaving the home, every morning she brought me food and read me the Armour of God.

Surely, I cannot still blame her for loving my brother more when we were children? She had said: “You had your father, I thought it was alright.”

Perhaps, going through the wilderness – this 15 years of wandering… Has helped to make Mother’s Day Happen.

This is going to be bad

because

-i havent slept

-i have been sleeping between 4-5 am the past few days while going for CNY reunion/visiting

e.g.the day before, i came back after dinner (i don’t have mental capacity to remember where now), but it was about 10 plus and started cleaning the kitchen and dining rooms. I folded at least 1000 plastic bags and catergorised them into small/medium and large and also created a proper recycling area, took the big bag A3 size bag of koped coffee/tea/ketchup/chilli/wasabi/soy sauce/unwantedinstantnoodles/creamer/sugar(all dumped-into that bag) took out one by one, checked expiry dates to chuck and labelled and categorised each item again. then i swept floor, wiped table and if u have come to my house u know how messy our tables are, i cleared them all and wiped and scrubbed off stains and then mopped floor twice but still a bit sticky so tried hand wiping and scrubbing floor but then it was 430am and my mom woke up and said “aiyo, darling, no need la, u need to sleep.”

two days before i did the same for the backyard.am i going crazy?

HELP.

And yesterday night i worked out for about 45 minutes, did 25 minutes on the elliptical machine and 20 mins of youtube burn 200 kcal in 20 mins. (magical socks!) cos know will eat a lot.

then fell asleep on the couch at about 1230am and woke up at 4+5 am. fuck la.

WHAY AM I DOING THIS AGAGIN?????????????

I HAVE CROSSED OVER,

into,

THE TWILIGHT ZONE.