Love is Letting Go..

First let me disclaim that I do not intend to “hide behind” my illness/symptoms or give myself excuses for my flaws. But I guess I can also give myself the kindness that no human on earth is perfect. And one of my most GLARING flaws is with the social realm.

I fear groups and gatherings… I think a lot of people who have been “diagnosed” can probably relate… At first Chinese New Year and Christmas were Really challenging. I can’t remember the number of years I didn’t go for those gatherings. But then, totally unexpectedly, my extended family has become more accepting. Perhaps they too experience similar, predisposed – biological and nurtured – challenges.

I am SO grateful the first thing they ask is no longer “When is your turn, AH? ” or “WAH you put on/ lost so much weight!” Losing weight can become horribly scary when you are a yo-yo and have gone up and down >15 kg, 4 times in 30 years.

I guess when your locus of control (your self-esteem and need for validation) is based on the outside —-> and you are a Self-Obsessed Control freak (Yes, Hi.)… You are in for what is Essentially Social Suicide.

If self-control is not exercised, and pride is not addressed–  One either hides from the world.. Drowning in despair/delusion, or lives in a Constant flux between intense fear and a feeling of an intense injustice.

I am now, Grateful for my mom’s family. I realized we were not so different. And they are nice, without treating me as “different”. My intense fear of going to grandma’s house has eased gradually. Many of them individually also have been and are a source of strength, and support over the years. Though I resented some of it, very wrongly at first.

But since it is Mother’s day, I want to focus on my Mom today. So here’s it is:

From the middle of last year to the start of this year, I really resented my mother. Although acting out of love and anxiety for me, I felt my freedom, autonomy and dignity were taken away.

Let me give you an example. She comes into my room at will, while the door is closed and I am dressing up. I am in the midst of it and she says: “This bra is too tight! Your breasts are spilling out! Wear the black one, LAH…” ok.. sorry TMI BUTrrrreally ARGJHGHGHLKJSDFHsdahf ;kjsdhlkaw]!@#$%#  I am 30 and she wants to help me choose my underwear. Srsly???..zzzZZZZZZZZZzzzz

Also, although I have already messaged her that I am coming back after dinner. She starts messaging me at 4 to ask again if I am having dinner, then starts to call me from 8:30pm to ask what time I am coming home. Stella said it rightly, “I hear the irritation in your voice. Remember…”

But my mom. Mom, has been through it. Mom, was the one who came to the hospital every single day during the two weeks I was first hospitalized at the Institute of Mental Health for psychosis symptoms. Mom lost so much weight. She took the bus every day, the one and a half hour journey. I was in a daze those days. But I could remember her neck growing bonier and bonier. Her face looking more and more tired.

Am I so blind that I did not realize that she is the strongest person in this family? Mom knows! She knew it all. She was the one who has been feeding on depression, bipolar, gratitude, optimism, she got did the DBT workbook with be when I was thought to be BPD. Then she went through WRAP with Caregivers Alliance, and made me go for it now.

The most bittersweet memory I have, truly, is a muted one. It was the only depression that I count as a True, Noonday Demon. Not leaving the home, every morning she brought me food and read me the Armour of God.

Surely, I cannot still blame her for loving my brother more when we were children? She had said: “You had your father, I thought it was alright.”

Perhaps, going through the wilderness – this 15 years of wandering… Has helped to make Mother’s Day Happen.

Seb Pearce (former Spirituality junkie) on New Age Bulls*`^#

Digging deep into the soul of the World Wide Web, I found this super cool post: a digital manifestation of the infinite being mocking itself through quantum pulses of energy..

Seb Pearce, who was a former Spirituality junkie in his late teens, and who was sincerely interested and believed in the New Age or “alternative” Spirituality got increasingly disillusioned as he delved deeper into it, and realised it had no basis but was a merely an elaborate smokescreen. Eventually he gave it up altogether.

This was the trigger for Seb’s “falling out with New Age”: A Sermon by Deepak Chopra. Here is an extract from Seb’s blog, quoted from the Deepak Chopra’s sermon on “Does God have a Future?”, (also an example of New Age “Philosophy”):

Science is now in a process of overthrowing the climactic overthrow of the superstition of materialism. That everything that we call “matter” comes from something that is not material. That the essential nature of the physical world is that it’s not physical.

Science tells us that nature is a discontinuity, that is, an on-off phenomenon. That there are gaps between every two 1s where you find a field of possibilities, a field of pure potentiality. Science doesn’t call it God, but what is God if not the immeasurable potential of all that was, all that is, and all that will be? Science also tells us that there’s a field of non-locality where everything is correlated with everything else……100% bullshit today.png

There is hidden creativity; there are quantum leaps of creativity. There is something called the Observer Effect where intention orchestrates spacetime events which we then measure as movement and motion and energy and matterYou have the resources within you to intuitively grasp this mystery.

And apparently his sermons go on and on and on in similar fashion. How Ironic: “You have the resources within you to intuitively grasp this mystery.” Even if we did “grasp” his logic, basically with every statement, Deepak is creating a circular logic linking one idea to another where logical patterns do not exist, and he also enjoys creating paradoxical contrasts to grab the audience’s attention. In Deepak’s universe, Indeed, “everything is correlated with everything else“.

And BTW doesn’t “the Observer Effect” ..etcetc….”orchestrates spacetime events” remind you of J. J. Abram’s Television Series “Fringe“?? Art imitates Philosophy! Oh Walter what Have you done?

Back to Seb’s story: What’s EVEN cooler, and fun too, is that Seb who’s a developer, has created a Bullshit Generator (as if we need one but.. still Cool.) This is a website which has a link which is programmed such that at click, generates “a full page of New Age poppycock”, just like what Deepak says all the time. Read more about how he did it and the reasons why he developed this program here: Seb Pearce.